I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
