My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
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i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
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you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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