Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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