But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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