a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
