This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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