did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
