I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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