My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
