A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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