Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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