Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
