He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You ate ashes out of my bong
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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