she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
