Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
