just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
