hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
