There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
