I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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