If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
