Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
