I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
