I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
