I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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