Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
