So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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