We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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