I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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