I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
