she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i dont even know how to be here
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
