The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
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Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
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I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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