Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.