Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.