My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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