I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
