my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
