New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
