he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
