he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I need to calm my uterus...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
