he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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