Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
smell my finger.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Shame - the story of my life.
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