I love black thongs
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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