so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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