I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
