he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
