Man, jail baloney is awful.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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