yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
