Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
