It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
