Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
