He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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