I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
