Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
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Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
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I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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