i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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