dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
