Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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