Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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