So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
