the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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