there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
